Archive for November, 2008
I feel a little like I’m on hold. One could argue this has been true for the last 9 months, but the feeling keeps growing in intensity. For the last several weeks “baby” is really the only thing I have been thinking about in one way or another. Some part of me, distantly buried, is concerned by this: Wondering how much of my pre-pregnant self-hood will remain while being a mother.
I liked my life of hanging out at the bar, listening to local music; going out to eat and enjoying the occasional odd show, festival, or performance. And sure, I’ll still be able to do those things, if I either a) do them without Sean, and have him do them without me, or b) get a baby-sitter [or I suppose c) do them with the baby, but I find that more unrealistic].
But there’s also the point that maybe I won’t want to do those things as much anymore. I also enjoy staying at home, even with just Sean, the cats, the tv, and the computer for company: and now I’ll have a baby. Will I never, or rarely, want to go do those things I used to love doing?
Will I be able to have the types of conversations with people I used to have, or will I become the person whose only contributions to the conversation involve anecdotes about her child? There is a judgment there that I’m not necessarily trying to make: if your child is all you do or care about, then of course that’s what you have to talk about. Will I have the energy to continue to pursue my other life interests, or will my child become all consuming? And even if I have the energy, will my old interests be something I will find affordable to do, or important enough to do?
These questions would once have held a sort of angst in them, I think: A fear of losing parts of myself. Right now they are more philosophical, curiosities about what is to come. I imagine that I will be able to create some sort of symbiotic relationship between who I was and what Sean and I will be as parents that can leave the whole satisfied, but it’s something I’m going to have to see. I know I’m eager to get around to actually doing it.
The last couple of days have left me with an odd calm though, possibly related to the food comas and crazy sleep-a-thons in which I’ve participated. I know baby is coming soon: Hours or weeks, it’s still going to be soon. Someone’s going to pick up this phone.
I know it gets nutritional demerits, but grilled cheese and ramen is amazingly cozy (Sean made that for us as a late night snack when he got home from work last night). We’ve had it several times recently, just because it always sounds good to me. I’ve occasionally gone for the Campbell’s “Soup at Hand” instead of ramen just to make myself feel like I’m being more healthy (probably a lie). Mmm, cold weather comfort food. I think it’s time for a nap.
Today I am one week from my estimated due date. We were supposed to have a fetal non-stress test, but the nurse-midwife I saw didn’t think it was necessary: even though my blood pressure is a bit high there is still fetal movement. (A rather vigorous batch of it earlier tonight, in fact.)
Things seem to be progressing: she said that I wasn’t dilated, but I’m 80% effaced and baby is at zero station. I can’t find the site again immediately, but I had read somewhere that first-time moms often don’t dilate until fully effaced, so I think this is a good sign that things really are progressing even though there’s no dilation yet (my body is still figuring out what it’s doing here). I hope this means I’m on track for around the first week of December, instead of needing to wait too long!
I keep thinking baby’s movements have decreased, and I think they actually have some, but I have to remind myself there’s not much room there any more. And with her head as low as it is there really isn’t as much baby can do in there anymore. Maybe she’s saving her energy.
I do wish my doctors would quit freaking me out over the blood pressure stuff. The midwife today seemed to think all was fine, and she mentioned that the doctors seemed a little confused about whether they were really worried about my bp or not (if they were really worried they should have done the non-stress test immediately, not scheduled it for a week later–it doesn’t make sense). She also seemed unconcerned overall, and said that I seemed to be healthy and things were going fine. Much more comforting. And I know from my own reading that it is normal for blood pressure to go up at the end of pregnancy, so unless it really reaches a dangerous high it should be considered normal progression. (I think that the fluke high bp reading on my first visit with them really threw off my care there, as they weren’t sure what was going on.) She gave me some signs to watch out for in terms of preeclampsia, to be safe.
Here’s a neat 3D animation of birth showing what the different stations mean, as well as dilation: http://www.visibleproductions.com/showcase/medlegal/medlegal_3.html. Short and worth seeing if you have any interest! (And bloodless, since it’s an animation not a real birth video.)
I hope everyone has a lovely Thanksgiving!
I don’t know that I can be allowed to go shopping alone anymore. I spent at least 20 minutes in Target just browsing up and down the aisles of the baby section. Admittedly I only got the one thing from that section I had gone to buy, despite several close calls, but still…
It’s hard to believe I have little more than a week to go to my due date. A friend of mine mentioned that she thought due dates were cruel, since it gave mothers-to-be this target that wasn’t really very accurate but made for a countdown anyway. but I’m not so sure I agree: I think my physical state would be letting me know that I wanted things to be done soon regardless, and knowing even roughly that the end is in sight helps let me know I can get through this. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been terrible: Right now it’s not something I wouldn’t do again, for example; but it’s very nice to know that it’s near its end, even if that really means a few more weeks. I’ve noticed that riding in the car is uncomfortable now, if the trip is not very very short: A combination of the way car seats make you sit (I’ve adjusted the seat back to be more upright, as the slight recline I usually enjoy was really uncomfortable) and the rumble of the ride. My sister-in-law teased that if I was late we could take our Jeeps four-wheeling to help speed things along — and after this experience I think she might be right that it would!
We have a long doctor’s appointment tomorrow to check on how everything is going. I’m not sure if I’ll get an update up with the Thanksgiving holiday but I’ll do my best to keep everyone posted!
