On Hold
I feel a little like I’m on hold. One could argue this has been true for the last 9 months, but the feeling keeps growing in intensity. For the last several weeks “baby” is really the only thing I have been thinking about in one way or another. Some part of me, distantly buried, is concerned by this: Wondering how much of my pre-pregnant self-hood will remain while being a mother.
I liked my life of hanging out at the bar, listening to local music; going out to eat and enjoying the occasional odd show, festival, or performance. And sure, I’ll still be able to do those things, if I either a) do them without Sean, and have him do them without me, or b) get a baby-sitter [or I suppose c) do them with the baby, but I find that more unrealistic].
But there’s also the point that maybe I won’t want to do those things as much anymore. I also enjoy staying at home, even with just Sean, the cats, the tv, and the computer for company: and now I’ll have a baby. Will I never, or rarely, want to go do those things I used to love doing?
Will I be able to have the types of conversations with people I used to have, or will I become the person whose only contributions to the conversation involve anecdotes about her child? There is a judgment there that I’m not necessarily trying to make: if your child is all you do or care about, then of course that’s what you have to talk about. Will I have the energy to continue to pursue my other life interests, or will my child become all consuming? And even if I have the energy, will my old interests be something I will find affordable to do, or important enough to do?
These questions would once have held a sort of angst in them, I think: A fear of losing parts of myself. Right now they are more philosophical, curiosities about what is to come. I imagine that I will be able to create some sort of symbiotic relationship between who I was and what Sean and I will be as parents that can leave the whole satisfied, but it’s something I’m going to have to see. I know I’m eager to get around to actually doing it.
The last couple of days have left me with an odd calm though, possibly related to the food comas and crazy sleep-a-thons in which I’ve participated. I know baby is coming soon: Hours or weeks, it’s still going to be soon. Someone’s going to pick up this phone.
November 30, 2008 | 6:08 pm | 6 comments
Posted in life, pregnant |
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I think that once you get over the new baby sleep deprivation you’ll be able to have grown-up conversations again, it just might take a bit to get your brain moving.
I say this with confidence as after she got back from maternity leave I started walking again with my friend Kim (her daughter is now 13 months old.)
Yes, we do start many walks out discussing the new things her daughter is doing, because that is a big part of her life! But we are also capable of having grown-up conversations. I just have to remember that she tends to be a bit behind on her current events.
(Her husband works in DC, so she’s virtually a single mom during the week)
Hope that was reassuring.
please worry more about how you will get the kids to move out of the house in 20 years and spend less time worrying about the impending change in your life. i remember so well having the same worries as you. MANY children later, they define you in way you never thought possible. good luck.
It’s comforting, Michelle, thanks. I’ll be curious to see how much I care about the things I used to as well
I know there will be an absorption period, of course.
I’ll just have to make sure it’s a really uncomfortable house, margie, hehe
Thanks.
I tend to think that you’ll still be you, fundamentally, mommy or not. I’m confident that we’ll still be able to kvetch and gossip just as well post baby.
And you know that you’ve always got at least one baby-friendly hangout spot at the winery!
But Ivy I won’t have any material! How can I gossip without material! (grin)
Yes, the winery is definitely a haven in that sense: Always baby friendly but with adults to interact with (and of course wine).
I’m curious to see what’s doable and what’s not.
My parents used to take me to see concerts all the time (the sex pistols and Rod Stewart (I was 2.5ish) are some of my earliest memories), so some things are definitely still doable.
I totally understand your concerns though – it seems like you’d be in limbo right now between the old and new you – and that’s always a bit terrifying